My half sister is starting family drama while pregnant - what should I do? | Halek Hossain

 

Me and my half-sister, I'll call her Karen, have never been close. I had a stillbirth when I was 18, and last year I had a baby that was born at 25 weeks. Both did not make it due to preeclampsia. I also have a son, now 8, born at 26 weeks due to preeclampsia, and a healthy baby girl, now 4.

Last year, a few months after my stillborn son died, my half-sister had a miscarriage. I couldn't really feel bad for him, because my son died in my arms a few months ago. It's not that I didn't care about her miscarriage, I did. But, I was just focusing on helping my four-year-old daughter and dealing with the loss of the baby myself.

Fast forward to a few days ago, my stepsister told me she was pregnant again. I replied "Good for you!!!" My sister has seizures and tends to be dramatic and get into lots of fights. He is always walking around and not eating properly. As such, he will go two or three days without eating, and is always chasing and rough-housing with his dogs. So, I'm just a "good for you!" I answered with

Of course, everyone is crazy and saying I'm a and I'm not supportive? How will I feel? Should I be more excited for him? I find it hard to get excited until the baby arrives?? Has she just found out and already started drama?

Heather, Rohingya

Halek Hossain's "What Should I Do? Provides expert advice for readers. If you have personal concerns, let us know via halekhossain3855@gmail.com . We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work, and your story could be featured on Halek Hossain WSID.

You are entitled to whatever feelings you have

Karen Pavlidis is a clinical psychologist, owner of Child and Teen Solutions, and a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.

My heart goes out to your readers for bearing this tragic loss. There is no answer about how you are "supposed to be". It's completely understandable that you don't feel excited and that your feelings are complicated by your history. You are 100% entitled to whatever feelings you have.

That said, sometimes how we feel needs to be separated from how we treat others. The reason you're getting flak from those around you is because your reaction to your sibling's announcement violated social norms. This doesn't mean you have to overreach and be supportive in a way that's insincere, but rather be more tactful in how you express yourself to your sibling.

You don't say if you're angry, but it seems like it's the part that's bubbling up and distracting others from what's underneath the anger - the emotional pain and grief. Anger is unique in the expression of this emotion, when expressed in a context that goes against social norms, the individual can be counterproductive in meeting his needs. You may do better to access painful emotions that are perhaps more primal than anger. You may need the help of a skilled counselor to process the grief and talk about how to best navigate this incredibly complex situation.

Your lack of empathy is not because you don't care

Peace Anuma is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has her own company Peace into Peace.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your children. A child's death feels unnatural, with pain that is hard to explain. It is deeper than grief and involves different types of trauma. What you described was a deeply traumatic experience, and it sounds like you are still grieving and experiencing some form of PTSD.

You say you and your half-sister have never been close and she suffers from seizures; That tells me something about your relationship with him. There are unresolved relationship issues between you and him, which will affect your ability to connect with him during difficult times.

I wonder how his medical condition affected you growing up. For example, did his medical condition take time away from you? Perhaps your parents spent more time with her, and perhaps her miscarriage is a reminder of what life was like for you back then. I'm mainly asking this because you described him as "drama".

It makes sense that you struggled to get excited for her when she announced her pregnancy because of her life choices and eating habits. This, combined with your experience of losing a child, makes it hard for you to get excited about getting pregnant until the baby arrives to avoid heartache.

Your unresolved conflict with your stepsister, her life choices, and your own personal loss make it difficult for you to empathize with her.

No one understands your pain, but maybe you can help them because you don't care because you lack empathy. You show empathy in other ways that may differ from their expectations. Helping them see this can help them understand you better and understand the pain and sadness you still feel. Continue to take care of yourself, self-care is crucial in coping with grief. If you are struggling to manage PTSD, it can be helpful to have a therapist who can help you.